I got around to seeing the new Karate Kid movie. I’m starting to get scared of 80’s franchise films – there’s only so much you can re-write my childhood before I start to get annoyed with your changes. In the new Karate Kid the kid learns Kung-fu. There’s no Mister Miagi, no Ralph Macchio, no Crane Kick, no Japanese Bandana, no Wax On Wax Off.

The movie, on it’s own merits, was pretty good. The pace was snappy, Jackie Chan was his usual awesome self, and the cinematography looked like a travelogue. Almost too much like a travelogue – they managed to force half the monuments in China into the training montage. Olympic Village, Check! Great Wall, Check! Ancient Temple – Check!

I want to like this film but I have big complaints about lost opportunities… Jackie Chan has an amazing introduction scene where he dodges and deflects the blows of a bunch of bullies attacking him, and they end up accidentally beating eachother up. It’s excellent, and they make a big deal about how kung-fu is about defence and avoiding conflict. And then the kid is in a tournament where he has to punch other 12-year-olds in the face to win. You remember in the original, where Mister Miagi does the screaming death fist move at the end but just honks the evil teacher’s nose? In MY version of the ending, when I get to re-make this film in 20 years (again), Dre will go into the arena and never throw a punch, earning his points by honking noses and bumping the kids into garbage bins.

The end kick – you know, the one that was supposed to be as iconic as the Crane Kick? It’s like this crazy backflip kick-to-the-head nonsense that no kid in any schoolyard is going to be able to reproduce without breaking their neck. It’s kindof a shame, because we had lots of fun crane kicking and feeling awesome as kids. Which is probably why they made it impossible this time around.